While working in my secret parenting laboratory, hidden deep beneath the earth’s surface and accessible only by me and a small, select team of associates, I recently made what I believe is a huge and history-making breakthrough that promises to greatly improve parenting the world over.
For years, I have stood almost alone among America’s parenting pundits in defending the legitimacy of “Because I said so,” perhaps the most maligned four words in human history. I have gone on record as saying that “Because I said so” affirms the authority of the parent, provides an honest answer to a child’s demand to know the reason behind the parent’s decision, and all but eliminates the possibility of mutually debilitating argument.
I have pointed out that adults have to accept the BISS principle — when we pay our state and federal taxes, for example — and asserted that it is in the best interest of children that adults make them aware of this reality from an early age. Furthermore, there is no evidence that “Because I said so” damaged the mental health of my generation — the last bunch of American kids to be universally exposed to it; there is no good reason to think, therefore, that it will damage today’s children.
No short list of folks suggested alternatives, such as “Because I am an adult and you are a child and it is my responsibility to make decisions of this sort on your behalf and you will not understand my actual reason until you are my age and have a child your age, so there’s no point in my sharing it with you, and whether you agree or not, you have to obey.” Needless to say, the child lost the parent at “responsibility.” I would recommend the simpler, shorter form.
I recommend that BISS be said in a kind, yet decisive tone. It should not be screeched at a child, but neither should anything else.
But after years of research, I’ve discovered an alternative that’s even shorter and sweeter: “Trust me.”
Think of it! A child asks (demands to know) “Why?” or “Why not?” and the parent simply says “Trust me.” That pretty much says it all. Most important, it affirms that the parent knows what is best, whatever the situation. The parent knows (but the child does not) that eating broccoli is better than eating deep fried processed junk, that play should be balanced with responsibilities, that “my friends all have one!” is not justification for buying a 12-year-old a cellphone.
Children do not know what is best for them. They only know what they want. And given the choice between what is best and what they want, they will choose the latter. Furthermore, when parents make the right choice for a child, there are no words that will cause the child to agree. The child will agree when he or she is an adult and is the parent of children who are demanding what they want. No sooner.
In the meantime, all one can do is ask the child to trust. To which someone might say, “But he won’t understand that either!” That’s all right. Faith is a long-term investment.
Family psychologist John Rosemond answers parents’ questions at www.rosemond.com.