Kids say the darndest things, and no one knows that better than a teacher. In honor of Teacher Appreciation Week, which begins today, we asked educators to send us their funniest stories.
The following are some of our favorites. Find many more that will tickle your funny bone on www.Ohio.com.
Stuffed pockets
I was on recess duty on a cold winter day when one of my students approached me complaining that his hands were freezing. I told him that recess was almost over and that he would be OK.
A few minutes passed and he came up to me again saying, “Mrs. Grande, my hands are so cold that my fingers hurt.”
I knew that recess would be over in a minute so I reassured him that we would be going in soon.
Finally recess was over and the children were lining up and my student approached me still complaining of his cold hands. I told him, “Tommy, just put your hands in your pockets while we line up.”
He replied, “I can’t, my gloves are in the way.”
Gilda Grande, Stow
Holy Family School teacher
Potty break
Several years ago at my preschool’s bathroom time, I overheard two of my 3-year-olds talking while they were waiting in line to go to the bathroom.
The girl proudly announced to the boy behind her in line that she had a baby in her belly. He quickly replied with a face and voice of disgust, “Did you eat it?”
Julie Smith, Cuyahoga Falls
Northminster preschool teacher
Mr. Manners
As a retired teacher myself, I had the pleasure of teaching home economics. It was always important for the students to learn proper etiquette when dining out. When they prepared food in class, they set the table, and were expected to dine as if they were out at a restaurant.
On this particular day, they were enjoying chicken Parmesan. A loud roar came from a kitchen group in the back. Although nobody admitted what happened, they assured me that I would not like it.
Finally, I convinced Craig to fill me in. Craig proceeded to snort a spaghetti noodle up his nose and pulled it through the back of his mouth, sliding it back and forth.
I laughed hysterically! I proceeded to get the other teacher and have him repeat his bad table manners to her. I refer to that class as my “honors” class!
Teressa Janiga, Barberton
Barberton and Akron schools,
retired teacher
Goosey Goosey Gander
We used to have required minutes every day/week for subjects. Reading and language arts were two different subjects and language arts consisted of spelling, handwriting, phonics and grammar. At the time, I was a second-grade teacher … and was teaching grammar — plurals, regular and irregular.
The children and I had a lot of fun with the irregulars like mouse and mice — why not meece?
We went on a fall field trip to an apple orchard in Richfield for part of Social Studies and one darling little boy … made my day.
At the orchard, we were picking apples to make applesauce back in the classroom, discussing nature’s “toothbrush,” Johnny Appleseed and the westward expansion.
One of my students looked around at the field where we were walking carefully because of the geese all around us and he said, “Mrs. Enright,” pointing to the ground, “if this is goose poop, is all of this (waving his arms around) geese peep?”
I knew he had learned something about irregular plurals.
Dr. Jan Enright, Akron
Akron Public Schools, retired teacher and administrator
Lights out
One way of getting the attention of my kindergarten students was to turn out the lights. After some practice, they knew to stop and listen because I would have something important to say.
While sitting with a small group one day, one can only imagine my surprise when the lights went out! Eddie stood by the light switches and announced, “Listen all you kids. I lost my red and my blue marker and anyone who finds them gets a free trip to Disney World!”
Well, you never saw 5- and 6-year-olds move so fast! Down on their knees, under tables, everywhere looking for Eddie’s markers! Sad to say that they weren’t found and no one got a free trip to Disney World.
Dolores Winkler
Rootstown Schools, retired teacher
Cards anyone?
When I was teaching fifth grade at Price Elementary in Cuyahoga Falls in the late ’50s, we were studying about South America. I asked one of the boys to read a paragraph aloud from the text.
He read about the solitary shepherd taking his flocks high up in the Andes. I asked him if he knew what a solitary shepherd was and he replied, “No.”
I then asked him if he’d ever played a game called Solitaire.
“Yes,” he said.
“Then what do you think a solitary shepherd is?”
“A shepherd who plays cards.”
Sarah Jones Bennett, Bath
Price Elementary School, retired teacher
Mathematical wizard
While learning about Halley’s Comet with my elementary students in 1986, we discussed that it appears in our sky about every 76 years. Trying to integrate my math and science teaching I posed the question, “If I am 24 now, how old will I be when Halley’s Comet makes its next appearance?” One of my gifted math students quickly calculated in his head and replied, “You’ll be dead.”
Kelli Moles, Cuyahoga Falls
Akron Schools, teacher
Miss Cranky
I was just out of graduate school in 1972 when I was hired as a librarian at Mogadore Junior and Senior High School. Because I was new and young, I think the students thought I would be easily manipulated. But I had rules of behavior in the library and there were consequences.
I married in August 1973, so when the new school year began, I had a new last name. The school library had an outside door so on the first day of school, I could hear the students discussing me.
“We got rid of that mean Miss Lecso. Now we have someone named Mrs. Koza. Let’s see what we can do to her.”
When I opened the door and they saw me, the look on their faces was priceless. I smiled as I told them that I was the same “old mean” librarian. I just had a new name.
Jane Koza, Cuyahoga Falls
Mogadore Schools, retired librarian
Gone fishin’
During my student teaching semester I was working in the junior high, grade seven to be exact. As a science teacher, we are always looking for an experiment or project that brings science to the real world.
The project the students chose was setting up an aquarium. They brought in the sand, plants, goldfish, a bubbler and filter, a light and the screen for the top of the tank.
About a week after the tank was set up, they greeted me with concern — we had a floater who didn’t make it. With great ceremony, they netted the unfortunate out of the tank and had a funeral during their lunch hour.
When I came into the room two days later — another floater and, of course, another funeral.
We discussed in class what the problem might be and how to solve it. As a result, the tank was cleaned, the bubbler and filter were checked, the water quality and water temperature were double-checked.
All seemed to be OK until the next day — another floater.
Thirty-two teary-eyed students stared at me, thoroughly crushed. In frustration, we went over all they had done earlier in the week and still could not figure out any reason for the mortality in the tank.
As I looked at those 32 anxious faces, I thought that this was not the best demonstration of student teaching. In total exasperation, I remarked, “What the heck have you been feeding the fish?”
Thirty-two faces came up and looked at me — “Feed the fish?”
Amy Galehouse, Doylestown
Wayne and Cuyahoga County schools, former teacher
Foiled again
Many, many years ago, I was teaching first grade in Fort Leonard Wood, Missouri. One of my students mixed up “b” and “d.”
After being absent, he returned to class without the obligatory excuse from a parent.
He hurriedly scribbled a note and put it on my desk.
The note read, “He has a colb.”
Kathryn Boles, Akron
Missouri Schools, retired teacher
Allegiance alliance
The rule at our middle school is that, unless there is a religious objection, each child is to stand and recite the Pledge of Allegiance in unison every morning. Well, Max would stand, but instead of reciting the pledge, he would continue talking to his neighbor.
After several warnings, I called him up after homeroom one day. “Max,” I began, “every day you are going to have a choice: You stand and recite the pledge, write the pledge out and get it to me before lunch, or have lunch with me.
“Today, you blew the first one, so I better see a handwritten pledge by 11:30 or we’ll do lunch.”
As predicted, Max ran that written pledge to me seconds after the lunch bell rang. He then began to run out.
“Hold on, Max,” I said. “I want to make sure you wrote it correctly.”
Max sighed and rocked back and forth wanting to burst out of there while I read it.
Sure enough, he had it, word for word, until I got to the part, “One Nation under God.”
Max had written, “One Asian under God.”
I looked up at him. “One Asian under God?”
Max shrugged.
“What?” I asked. “Like some guy from China looking up at God?”
Max nodded.
“You mean to tell me,” I asked incredulously, “that you have been saying, ‘One Asian under God’ for seven years?”
Max’s eyebrows furrowed. “You know,” he said in deep thought, “I always thought it was a little weird.”
Christina Hiner, Cuyahoga Falls
Kimpton Middle School, teacher